


The Promotion

by unseenbox



Series: Hogwarts Community Radio [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Broadcast Fic, Fake Episode, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:40:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unseenbox/pseuds/unseenbox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A charming Scottish castle where there’s a squid in the lake, house elves in the kitchens, and Quidditch twice a month. Welcome to Hogwarts.</p><p>In this episode: Dolores Umbridge gets a promotion and a break in, the dangers posed by Swakloks, and an epidemic of Hogsmeade permission slips forgeries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Promotion

A charming Scottish castle where there’s a squid in the lake, house elves in the kitchens, and Quidditch twice a month. Welcome to Hogwarts.

Following her promotion to Hogwarts High Inquisitor, Professor Umbridge will begin performing inspections of all currently employed professors next week. Students should expect minimal disruptions during class time, as well as the occasional survey question. When reached for comment, Professor Umbridge said, “I’m terribly concerned about the state of education at this school. I’ve even learned that my own position was once filled with all manner of riff raff, hem, hem. How can anyone properly prepare for OWLs or NEWTs under such conditions? In all honesty, these inspections are dreadfully overdue.” She then offered Leanne Hart of the Junior Prophet Press a “sweetie”, which was politely but firmly declined. Several other professors were seen rolling their eyes, perhaps even making hand puppets as she spoke, but we’ve been told it was one of those tricks of the illusionary magic in the Great Hall. You know, those.

All of us here at Hogwarts Community Radio wish Professor Umbridge the best of luck in her inspections. Go get ‘em!

With October fast approaching, Assistant Luna would like to warn everyone that dangerous Swakloks will soon awaken from their ten year slumber and take up their usual hunting grounds near the lake. Swakloks are bird-shaped, approximately five feet tall and ten inches wide, and make loud, inappropriate squawking noises past midnight on every second Friday from October through January. These noises can be best heard from Ravenclaw Tower, so be sure to purchase your viewing tickets from a licensed vendor before they’re all gone! Students are discouraged from feeding or interacting with Swakloks, as they feed upon woolen sweaters and the occasional spotted owl. 

Listeners, we have an update on our Professor Umbridge story. An anonymous source has passed us a handwritten note, which reads, “I’ve never even heard of a Hogwarts High Inquisitor. I mean, there’s not a single mention of it in any history book I could find, and believe me, I looked. These inspections seem designed for the Ministry of Magic to exert more control over this school by pressuring Professors--” you know what, _Steve_? If you want me to take your increasingly frequent and completely obvious warnings more seriously, maybe you shouldn’t write so hard that your quill puts tears in the parchment. There’s at least a half dozen of them, and they’re all the size of dragon pox. God, Steve. Who _does that_? 

And now, a word from our sponsors. 

That word is: Flobberworm. If you’ve been watching all week, congratulations! You now have the entire password. Please report to the dungeons next to the Potions classroom, speak the sentence, and claim your official prize. One per customer, and remember, only one will leave the room without permanent scarring. Only. One. 

This message brought to you by Madame Malkin’s.

Caretaker Filch would like to remind everyone that the west wing’s second floor is still being cleaned after last week’s infestation of puffskeins. I’d like to personally extend a heartfelt ‘aww’ at the efforts of Khoshekh, who assisted with efforts in catching the contraband critters. Listeners, I wish you could’ve seen the li’l guy, playing with those fuzzballs until he bit them right in half. It was so cute! In related news, Assistant Levi is still recuperating in the hospital wing after attempting to disperse the puffskeins with a badly applied reducio. We wish him a speedy, full recovery, as well as the continued use and existence of his left elbow. Please feel free to pass any well wishes along to him, as well as anything not named on Madam Pomfrey’s list of banned items. New items this year include exploding snap cards, knotgrass mead, and acid pops.

Well, listeners, unfortunately, it seems that Professor Umbridge’s term as Defense Against the Dark Arts will be fraught with controversy. We’ve received word that during this very broadcast, an unidentified student was seen attempting to break into her office to obtain the questionnaires for her upcoming inspections. The suspect remains at large, and while no damage has been done to either the questions or the office in question, Professor Umbridge has made her disapproval quite clear with a sharp “hem, hem” and a promise that the suspect will serve at least a week’s detention with her. Sources close to the professor state that these inspections will begin as scheduled, regardless of the intended interruption. Some of these sources were then seen moaning and sighing into their drinks.

The first Hogsmeade visit of the term is rapidly approaching. Third Year students are encouraged to hand in their permission slips as soon as possible, if they haven’t already. If anyone is in need of any last minute forgeries, several sources are willing and able to provide this service, although none of them can be named on air, as they’d quickly be given detentions and then nobody would get any slips signed, now would they? Although, rumor has it that a visit to the east wing’s third floor past sundown would...

Oh, I’ve just been handed an official looking memo, which appears to be from Professor Umbridge’s office. I see. It seems I forgot Educational Decree Number Twenty-One, no forging of official documents whatsoever. Well, you know what that means. Sorry, kids! Better luck next year. 

Of course, Third Years aren’t the only ones feeling the pressure from this situation, if I can go on a personal tangent for a moment. But listeners, can you believe that my Carlos hasn’t even bothered to start making any plans yet? Which, okay, fine, he’s probably just busy preparing for the upcoming Swaklok horde, but still, does he even remember what happened last year? Like, the Three Broomsticks was so crowded that you couldn’t even walk up to the bar to place an order for at least an hour, if not longer. But, you know, I’m absolutely sure that whatever happens, considerate, thoughtful Carlos will be able to work something out. 

And now, [ the weather.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyZK6xvDL1E)

We have just received word that the suspect who attempted to break into Professor Umbridge’s office has been identified, as several reports indicate that it may have been our studio’s very own Assistant Dana -- or her sister, Donna. Through communication with me, Dana said that she intended to get a copy of the Professors’ questionnaire so that we could report on it accurately, and also that Professor Umbridge has way too many kitten plates in her office. I can personally confirm the second portion of her statement, although, to be fair to our esteemed Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, more than one kitten plate is going too far. Assistant Dana remains unapprehended, as while cornered in front of Professor Flitwick’s office, a strange fog billowed throughout the area. Witnesses say that when the smoke cleared mere moments later, the suspect completely vanished. The hallway outside the office is still being thoroughly searched at this time. We here at Hogwarts Community Radio applaud Assistant Dana’s dedication to journalism, as well as her apparent escaping abilities. Thank you, Dana, wherever you are.

If I can say anything, Hogwarts, it’s this. Sometimes dangerous things aren’t lurking near the lake, though they often are. Sometimes they’re hidden off to the side, perhaps in the shadows, instead. And I’m reasonably sure that sometimes the best way to take on those dangers is to go into those shadows after them, instead of waiting around, perhaps with your hands in your pockets, for them to step out into the light on their own. 

Up next: part five of Professor Binns’ twelve part series, “The Ministry of Unctuous Osbert, from 1795 to 1797.” 

Goodnight, Hogwarts. Goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> The Houses and appearances are intentionally vague so everyone can fill in their own. If my personal headcanon’s going to make/break it for you, though, Cecil’s a Hufflepuff and looks like Danny Pudi, and Carlos is a Ravenclaw and looks like Lenny Kravitz. Only, you know, everyone’s seventeen here.


End file.
